

Generation of Bits

Tales of shame and degradation in the Big Idea
Lab

by Hunter S. Negroponte 

Too Many Bits

The other day I was thanking my good friend Former
President Bush (or "George" as I call him) for pulling some
strings to get my brother out of that Iran-Contra mess, and
he asked me if I knew any hot technologies he could sink his
Presidential Pension into. In my opinion, the smart money is
on filters. It's getting so you can't read Usenet without
seeing that "Dave Jordan" Ponzi letter followed by forty
replies from dickless wannabes threatening to mail-bomb
the poster's sysadmin for the "innapropriate post." Of
course, I personally have my staff of Elegant British
Women pre-edit my .newsrc for me (God how I envy the
British), but that option is not open to the unwired masses
outside the Media Lab. 

One way to eliminate the blather while keeping the First
Amendment intact is to create active "Filter Agents," as I
like to call them, that presort my Netnews articles and
eliminate the tiresome pseudo-commercial posts. Can you
imagine what the net's raw content will look like when all
the half-literate morons in the U.S. can publish any text
that their tiny minds ooze? The very thought makes me
want to refill my glass with the '56 Chateau Lafite.
America's Intelligentsia will need some serious Digital
Butlers guarding our Offramp on the Digital Highway's
Mailing Lists (damn metaphors) when this comes to pass. 

The Big Lie

Media Lab critics (there have been a few) have occasionally
questioned the practical application of our work. Well, have
you heard about the Holographic Television? No longer a
device found only in the back of comic books, we've
actually made this sucker work. An honest-to-god
motion-picture hologram, produced in the Media Lab
basement on a 2000 pound holography table by computers,
lasers and mirrors spinning at 30,000 RPM. It's real! It
works! Life Magazine even came in to photograph it in
action (of course, they had to fill the room with smoke so
the lasers would show up on film). Practical application?
Sure, it requires a 2000 pound air-suspended rock table and
a Connection Machine II to run, but hell, everyone knows
the price of computing power and 2000 pound rock tables is
cut in half every year. My point, however, is more
mundane: we have created a demo literally from smoke and
mirrors, and the Corporate World bought it. Even my good
friend Penn (or "Penn," as I call him) Jillette would be
proud. 

In fact, I'm a few points up on Penn. You may have heard of
the Interactive Narrative work that is proceeding in the lab.
Folks, I'll be honest with you for a moment. I know as well
as you do that it's a stinking load of horseshit. Roger Ebert
said "Six thousand years ago sitting around a campfire a
storyteller could have stopped at any time and asked his
audience how they wanted the story to come out. But he
didn't because that would have ruined the story." You think
Hollywood would have learned this lesson from the monster
"success" that Clue, the Movie enjoyed several years ago.
But no! I've repackaged the "Choose your own Adventure"
novels of childhood as Digital Information SuperHighway
Yadda Yadda crap, and again, they bought it! Sony right this
minute is building an interactive movie theater, with
buttons the audience can push to amuse themselves as the
story progresses. Dance for me, Corporate America! I'm
SHIT-HOT! 

Why, just the other day I listened to a member of my staff
explain to potential sponsors that we had spent \$US
4,000,000 of Japanese sponsor dollars to construct a
widescreen version of "I Love Lucy" from the original
source. And HE SAID IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!
CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT? Boy, I bet those
Nips wish they had their money back now! Earthquake? No,
we can't do much to rebuild your city, but we SURE AS
HELL can give you a 1.66:1 cut of Lucy to fit all those
busted HDTVs of yours! HA HA HA! 

A Sucker Born

Last week I was off the coast of Greece on my yacht
"Nippo-bux" (I put the "raft" in "graft," as I always say)
with my close personal friend Al ("Al") Gore. He asked me
"Nick--er, Hunter, how do you do it? You maintain a
research staff of, in the words of Albert Meyer [an
underfunded Course VI professor], `Science Fiction
Charlatans,' yet you never fail to rake in monster sponsor
bucks? I could fund Hillary's socialized medicine
boondoggle in an instant if I had that kind of fiscal pull." 

I told him that it's merely a matter of understanding our
sponsor's needs. Our sponsors are represented by
middle-aged middle-managers who need three things:
Booze, good hotels, and hookers. Keep 'em busy with free
trips and the slick dog and pony shows, provide them with
pre-written notes for their upper-managment, and the
money will keep rolling in. 

Do I worry that one day some sponsor will wake up and say
"Wait a minute--what the hell did I do last night? Did I
shell out a million bucks to fund a LEGO Chair in the
Media Lab? Tequila!" Over the years I've learned not to
care. I could pull the cigar out of W.C. Field's mouth and
sell it back to him at a profit. And he'd thank me for the
deal. I'm that goddamn good. 

Obligatory Plug

By the way, if you enjoyed this article, you can read it again
in my upcoming book: Being Gonzo -- Life on the Digital
Information SuperHighway Fast Lane. Buy one now. 

